Fear

Fear is the feeling that something you need is in danger. In our model it is an underlying feeling: often the first and most honest reaction, but not always the one that reaches the surface.

Fear is not weakness, and it is not a bad feeling. It kept you safe once, and it is trying to keep you safe now. The question is whether the danger it is reacting to is here, or somewhere in the past.

What covers it

Because fear feels exposed, it is often covered quickly. Anger is a common cover: it turns the helpless feeling of being afraid into the strong feeling of pushing back. Irritation is a smaller version of the same move. Numbness is another cover, turning the fear down until it is barely there.

So you may feel cross, busy or flat, and only later see that the feeling underneath was fear.

Where it shows up in Templates

Fear is at the heart of the four Templates around Safety.

• Safety × Chase: if I watch everything, I'll be safe. Fear becomes checking, planning and scanning.
• Safety × Fight: if I'm in charge, nothing bad happens. Fear becomes control, and often anger when control slips.
• Safety × Hide: if I stay out of sight, I'll be safe. Fear becomes stillness and distance.
• Safety × Fold: if I keep everyone calm, I'll be safe. Fear becomes soothing other people.

Fear also lives under Templates about other needs: the fear of being left, of being found lacking, of losing your say.

What it feels like in the body

A racing heart. Shallow breath high in the chest. Cold hands, a fluttering stomach, a mind that won't settle. Muscles ready to move. Your body is preparing to protect you, quickly and without waiting for permission.

The all-staff meeting

On Monday morning an email goes to the whole company. There will be an all-staff meeting on Friday about "changes to team structure."

You don't feel scared, exactly. You feel busy. By Tuesday you have tidied every folder on the shared drive. On Wednesday you update your CV at one in the morning. On Thursday your partner leaves the grill pan soaking and you snap about it for ten minutes.

On Thursday night, brushing your teeth, it lands. You are frightened. Of losing the job, of not managing the rent, of starting again. The tidying and the snapping were standing in front of it all week.

One thing to notice

The next time a surface feeling is running high, ask: what might this be afraid of? Then say the fear to yourself in one plain sentence. "I'm afraid I'll lose my job." "I'm afraid they're angry with me."

Then check the present. What do you actually know right now, and what is the fear predicting?

Fear named is usually smaller than fear covered. And whatever it explains, what you do next is still your choice. The grill pan might deserve an apology.

Return inwards.