Values

Values are what you decide matters and how you want to act. They're the one part of your Core Self that you choose, and you can choose them again at any age.

Your Core Needs and your nature were given to you. Values are different. Nobody is born with them. You notice them, test them, keep some and let others go, and that choosing is part of what makes them yours.

Values point toward

One way to tell a value from an old rule is direction. A value moves you toward something: honesty, fairness, kindness, courage, care for the people you love. An old adaptation usually moves you away from something: rejection, conflict, being caught out, being left.

From the outside the two can look identical. Staying late to help a colleague can come from loyalty. It can also come from a rule that says you'll only be kept if you're useful. The behaviour is the same. The driver isn't.

Values you were handed

Many of us carry values that came from family, school, a community or a faith tradition. Some fit us well and we keep them gladly. Others were really rules for staying safe, dressed up as values. "Never make a fuss" can sound like good manners. Sometimes it was a lesson in folding.

Choosing your values doesn't mean throwing out everything you were taught. It means looking at each one and asking: do I hold this, or does it hold me?

Values and accountability

Values are also where accountability lives. Your needs explain what you were reaching for. Your nature explains why it hit you so hard. Your values are how you decide what to do next, including what you owe the people your patterns have affected.

Your history explains you. Your values are what you answer to.

This is also why our model counts Limits among the Core Needs. A value only holds if you're willing to keep some limits for it.

The reference letter

A former colleague emails. He's applying for a new job and has named you as a referee. Could you write something "glowing"? He's added a smiley face.

You worked together for two years. He was funny, generous, good company on a long day. He was also late with almost everything, and twice you finished his work so the team wouldn't miss a deadline.

Your first impulse is to write the glowing letter and be done with it. It keeps things friendly. He'll be pleased. Nobody will ever know.

But you can feel two values pulling at once. Kindness: you want him to get a fair chance. Honesty: someone is going to hire him partly on your word.

You sleep on it. In the morning you reply. You'd be glad to speak to his warmth and how well he works with people. You won't be able to speak to deadlines, and you'd rather tell him now than write something you don't believe.

It's an uncomfortable email to send. Your chest is tight as you press the button. But the letter you write later is one you could read aloud to him.

That's what a value looks like in practice. Not a slogan on a wall. A choice made in a specific, slightly awkward moment, with your body telling you it's hard.

Finding yours

You don't need a list of twenty. Most people find a handful that matter most.

One way in: think of a time you were proud of how you acted, even though it went badly. What were you protecting? Then think of a time you felt uneasy about something you did, even though it went smoothly. What did you step over?

The answers often name your values more accurately than any list. They also show you where your Autonomy is: in the choosing.

One thing to notice

Before one decision this week, name the value you want it to serve, in a single word. Then notice whether the choice you make moves toward that word, or away from something you fear.

Both are information. Only one is a value.