A clenched jaw and tight shoulders

A clenched jaw and tight shoulders are your body bracing to push back. Your teeth press together, the muscles at the sides of your face harden, and your shoulders rise towards your ears. In our model this tension often travels with anger and the strategy we call Fight.

It is not your body being difficult. It is your body getting ready to hold firm.

What it is doing for you

A set jaw and raised shoulders are part of a body preparing to stand its ground. They brace the head and neck, steady you, and hold words back until the moment you choose to let them out.

The trouble is that this bracing can become a habit. Some people hold their jaw tight for hours without noticing, and only find out from a headache or aching shoulders.

What it often travels with

This tension often shows up with anger on the surface and something more vulnerable underneath, such as fear of losing control or hurt at not being listened to.

It is common in the Fight Templates. In Safety × Fight, if I'm in charge, nothing bad happens, the jaw sets when plans go off course. In Autonomy × Fight, no one tells me what to do, the shoulders rise when someone gives instructions. In Limits × Fight, I make the rules, the jaw tightens when a rule you care about is broken.

It turns up when you fold, too: the jaw holds back the words you decided not to say.

Desk numbers

It's Friday afternoon and your team is moving up to the third floor. You volunteered to organise it. Every crate has a desk number on it, and you've printed a floor plan for everyone.

A colleague, keen to get finished, starts wheeling crates to whichever desk is nearest. You say, "Those go by the numbers." He says, "We can swap them on Monday." You say it again, more firmly. He keeps going.

By the fourth crate, your jaw is aching. Your shoulders are almost touching your ears. You take the trolley handle out of his hands and say, "Just leave it, I'll do it."

The crates end up at the right desks. Every one. Your colleague goes back downstairs for his coat and doesn't come back up to help.

That evening, with a dull ache behind your ears, you can see it. The crates were never the point. The point was the feeling that if you didn't take charge, it would all go wrong. The feeling explains the trolley. Saying sorry for grabbing it is still yours to do.

One thing to notice

A few times a day, check your jaw. Are your teeth touching? If they are, let them part slightly and let your tongue rest behind your bottom teeth.

Then, on a slow breath out, let your shoulders drop. Notice how far they fall. That distance tells you how much you were holding. Once you've noticed it, you can choose whether to keep holding.